Help for Individuals in Relationship
If you’re tired of misunderstandings, defensiveness, and distance –
you’re not alone.
Often it just takes too long to get both partners on the same page to get help. Once both partners agree to do relationship work it’s often a crisis or in the middle of a break. The connection is damaged by long neglected resentments and hurts. It’s common to spend too much time focused on changing our partner, which can be endlessly frustrating and completely out of our control. Regardless of the effort your partner is willing or able to give, many people have found a way to work on things even when their partner isn’t available –
they decide to get help themselves.
When it comes to living intimately with someone you have to make decisions, deal with your inevitable differences and quirks, and even learn to parent together. The truth is that marriage and committed relationships are not just love – they are negotiated partnerships.
Things can get better.
Getting counseling on your own doesn’t mean you’re the problem!
It’s also not just learning to settle and feel good about a painful relationship you’re in. It’s possible that you are more unhappy about things than your partner. Sometimes our partner doesn’t have the capacity or desire to work on the complications of relationships. It can feel unfair to be the only one motivated for something better – but continuing to struggle without the support we need is just a recipe to get more of the same.
Being perpetually stuck can lead to depression, anxiety, and chronic stress. Worse still when relationship issues are left unattended they can turn to either apathy or more and more extreme or destructive attempts to get our partner’s attention. It’s critical to be clear on the value of getting better regardless of your partner.
You can go it alone and still make significant changes. Having better skills, more insight, and resilient support can improve the interactions in the relationship. Some say “a rising tide raises all boats” and in reality when one partner is less reactive and more capable of communicating to be heard it can help interrupt painful cycles and set a tone for better exchanges.
Spending time and energy trying to fix the other person is a recipe for exhaustion, frustration, and burnout. Changing your approach focuses on you – the place where you have the most power and agency. It also allows better chances for having a more satisfying and meaningful life. There are a number of things that can improve even without the active support of your partner.
Benefits of Couples Therapy for One:
- Communication skills for sensitive issues
- Identify triggered reactions and your role in repeated cycles
- Learn ways to interrupt painful exchanges
- Improved bids for affection and connection
- More appreciation and playfulness
Partners who are curious about themselves and curious about one another can learn to have more satisfaction and intimacy.
How does it work?
‘Couples friendly’ therapy for individuals helps put inevitable problems in context of relationship rather that just blaming one person. One person is rarely ever 100% of the problem – it takes two to be in relationship – but working on yourself has been shown to improve relationships. Counseling involves both relationship-skills building as well as insight around things you may not even realize you’re doing.
Regardless of whether you show up alone or with your spouse – everyone must learn they’re unable to change their partner, only themselves. Each person is best served learning their own role in creating conflict. The vast majority of relationship problems are co-created rather than just one person’s fault – which means we all have reactions and decisions we make in relationships that can be improved.
You can always invite your partner into therapy. There are lots of ways to introduce counseling in a manageable way – but when you’re essentially encouraging your partner to open up it doesn’t help to coerce and threaten. Every relationship is different, but often partners who are still invested can become interested in your process or affected by your commitment to having a more satisfying life.